Nine Lessons and Carols 2018

I started this a long time ago and I'm not really sure who even reads it. It changed my life though. It has been a few years now but I thought, this Christmas Eve would be a good time to reflect on where I've come to. So here we go with another Nine Lessons and Carols.

Lesson 1. The world is not as you perceive it.

There's a whole philosophical treatise in the middle of that but it probably easiest to simply understand that life is not as you see it. People aren't criticising you the way you criticise yourself. People make decisions from their own logical deductions, they aren't intrinsically wrong just because they are different from you. Education is not about reading out powerpoint. All of these facts need a huge expansion and discussion but actually are easily summed up by considering that the world is not as I perceive it. In so many ways.

Carol 1 Personal policy - Metropolisamerica

Lesson 2. Take time for yourself, you're worth it.

The whole "wellness" things has become A Thing over the last year or two. And rightly so. Most of us, particularly in Medicine, are exposed to emotions and experiences that are far from simple or normal. The way we respond to them is completely individual but we must be aware that simply letting them wash over us is not the way to cope. We must take active steps to look after ourselves. This is not selfish but essential. What that "wellness" consists of is entirely personal. For some it may be meditation, for others it might be a Glee Club and others find their peace in a regular gym session. These periods of time are selfish but essential. Without them so many colleagues are unwell, burning out and fading away. You are worth this, please make time for yourself.

Carol 2 Pretty Saro - Bob Dylan

Lesson 3. It's okay not to be okay.

Mental health affects us all. I really don't understand it. But then I don't understand anaesthesia or rap music either. Sometimes things just aren't ok. And that's a terrifying place to be. This year I have had two very dear friends in very bad places and both seriously considered that the world would be a better place without them. Both were very wrong but they needed others to reach out to them and offer them something beyond their own horror and revulsion of life. It's okay not to be okay. Life can be so very hard but please never think that you're not worth it. The world will always be a much sadder and worse place without you.

Carol 3. Queens of the breakers - The Barr Brothers

Lesson 4. Music is about stories

I love music. It fills my commute, helps me to operate and soundtracks my life. Music isn't bad or good on its own, it is made something by its connection to life. Radio 5 Live have a great show called "Blood on the Tracks" where panellists share their music and the stories around that. You should listen. And reflect. Music is about stories.

Carol 4 Come Away with Me - Norah Jones

Lesson 5. You are stronger than that.

I've spent the last year training quite hard using The Sufferfest.com a cycling turbo training app. This has dramatically improved my fitness, my cycling technique and intriguingly shown me how to endure the "suffering" of strenuous exercise longer and harder than I have ever done before. Quite how this has been achieved, I don't know but it has shown me that physically we can go further than we think at first. I am now a Knight of Sufferlandria.

Carol 5 White Star Liner - Public Service Broadcasting

Lesson 6 Oil the chain

I've done nearly 3000 km on my bike this year and have not been at good at maintenance as I should have been. All it takes is a few minutes to clean the crap off the bike after the ride and put just a little bit of lubricant on the chain but I'm always rushing for something else. Sometimes those minutes seem like they can't be spared but the bike definitely goes better when you do.

Carol 6 If I had a boat - The Brothers Landreth

Lesson 7 Fashion advice needn't be painful.

I really didn't look good in that grey suit but I couldn't see it myself. The woollen shirt under that jacket really worked. Getting rid of those shirts made all the difference. Fashion advice is just that. Some folk really do have an eye for it and I'm grateful.

Carol 7 Slomo - Slowdive

Lesson 8 Getting things done takes organisation

I've been through a few phases when it comes to organisation. Getting Things Done doesn't just happen. It takes planning and a structure. It probably doesn't need to be the same system but it does need to be a system. I'm getting back to getting things done.

Carol 8 Cry to me - Solomon Burke

Lesson 9 Drink good coffee

Life is too short to drink bad coffee. Good coffee is available and doesn't need to be expensive. It might take a little bit of effort, but it's worth it. Drink good coffee.

Carol 9 All of you (live) - Miles Davis and John Coltrane, The Final Tour.

Great taste in music

The more I share and think about music with friends the more I am intrigued by what constitutes "great music".

There is no doubt that some pieces by some artists are simply great and that on first hearing virtually every listener can be appreciative of the quality of the art presented. Into this category I would put pieces such as "So What", by Miles Davis, "Let's Go Out Tonight" by The Blue Nile or even "High and Dry" by Radiohead. But what makes it onto our ipod playlist, the ubiquitous 80s mixtape or a Spotify playlist as "great music" is, i suspect, a much more complex process.

I remember a friend at school patronising those of us who had never enjoyed the works of Daevid Allen or the skills of Jacquo Pastorius as though such knowledge was commonplace. Taste in music isn't commonplace for most people and probably more influenced by commercial than quality issues. You've probably never even heard of "In These Arms" by The Swell Season but if I tell you it's great, will that encourage you to download it? Or are you more likely to download the latest offering by whoever has the ear of the local radio producer?

I really like "I gotta feelin'" by the Black Eyed Peas but I don't think it is great music. So why do I like it? Partly it was soundtrack to a summer holiday, it played at a party I was at and it's just fun, but it isn't great. The reason I've heard it so often was the constant radio air play and that also makes it more of a memory than memorable all of which builds it in my consciousness as a track I "like". And there's nothing wrong with that.

What makes music great may be quality but what makes music really special is the place in life where you heard it, the person you sang it for, the smile, the longing, the kiss, the love, the heartbreak, the memory, the loss and the tears. And no-one else would understand that unless they were there to listen to Norah Jones sing "Come away with me."

There's no such thing as a great taste in music merely music that makes us feel great. And that can't be quantified. You've got great taste in music.

Nine Lessons and Carols 2014

I don't write here very often but it is becoming a nice little tradition for me to reflect and record things from my year that are worth sharing. If no-one reads it apart from me, then that's fine but if one thought encourages one person then that's a good thing. SO, for 2014 here are some lessons I've learned and some music.


Lesson 1

Forgiveness starts with you.

Life has moved a long was since I started writing these but the most important thing that happened was that in Dec 2006 as I wrote this. I forgave George for something that had happened. Why it happened is of course complex but the most important thing for me was that I stopped the anger in me and put aside everything that it was doing to me. It didn't change the thing that had happened but it changed me. That sounds very selfish now but the reality is that bitterness and anger is selfish and mostly self destructive and that needed to change in me. So, I did. And then things started to change.

Carol 1

The Barr Brothers- even the darkness has arms

Lesson 2

Laugh at yourself with others

Life IS funny. We do stupid and silly things. Sometimes it is really good just to share that and laugh, with other people. Taking myself too seriously has never helped whereas laughing more definitely has: running out of petrol on the motorway because I was running through a presentation as I drove; the DJ not turning up for my 50th birthday party; my Movember moustache; arranging to meet a friend for coffee and being in the other coffee shop in the city. Sharing these stories does show up frailty and not being perfect, but they are funny.

Carol 2

Sundara Karma- freshbloom

Lesson 3

If you actually knew how good you were you would be even better

The whole self deprecation thing is bollocks. And I've talked about it before. One thrill for me in being a teacher is in being able to encourage and inspire people. Often, working with colleagues I see that their self deprecation is the main reason for them struggling to be not just good but excellent. Many people will have encouraged them I'm sure but I belieive that if they could know, if you could know actually how good you are, that in itself would make you even better. Rather than putting yourself down, if you could actually see how good you are, you would be so encouraged.

Carol 3

Public Service Broadcasting- gagarin

Lesson 4

The most dangerous driver is in your rear view mirror

I do a lot of driving, more than 30,000 miles a year and the majority of that is on the motorways. I have come to realise that the most dangerous driver is in my rear view mirror. He can be impatient, has unrealistic expectations of traffic flow, thinks the world should understand his every whim and acceed to it, that his driving is perfect and that his interpretation of why things happen is the only way; all other opinions are flawed. And I can only just see his left ear in the mirror. I think his driving actually has improved a lot in these few years and I hope he continues that. 

Carol 4

Kasule- christie

Lesson 5

Memories are for the future

I've got some wonderful memories: amazing places I've been to; special times shared with special people; moments of passion; moments of sadness, laughter and tears, art galleries; fairground; beaches; coffee shops; the touch of a hand; a face at the airport. They make my life so special and I am grateful. But their importance is not for the past, reminiscence or sadness but about making the future even better. Let's make more memories?

Carol 5

Silbermond- ja

Lesson 6

You are worth so much more than you know.

I don't fully understand depression although I have suffered from it, nor do I understand how one could be so utterly sad that you believe suicide is the only way. I recently struggled when I friend told me of this. All I could think to say was they they mattered to me and that they mattered to other people too. It seemed so insignificant amongst all their sadness but they did, they really do matter and it would break my heart for them not to know that. Tell them.

Carol 6

Pharrel Williams- happy

Lesson 7

Listen more.

I talk too much. I offer ideas and suggestions when it would be so much better if I just listened more. I'm learning that.

Carol 7

Miles Davis- so what

Lesson 8

The best thing about knowledge is sharing it.

I've become rather good at presentations. I've done a lot of thinking and a lot of talking with some amazing people about presentations. The best thing about presentations is not giving them but helping other people to get better at them. Sharing knowledge about something helps you understand it better. Seeing others learning from that sharing is incredible. So if you know something, share it. Knowledge is free.

Carol 8

Ed Sheeran- thinking out loud

Lesson 9

Life is a journey, not a destination

I look back and I think. Sometimes I've made bad decisions and hurt people for which I'm sorry but I hope I've learned a little and moved on. It seems that life isn't about a goal or perfection but the journey and I'm thankful for the folks that share that journey with me, their wisdom and passion and the experiences we have on the way. 

Happy Christmas to everyone travelling this way, even for the shortest time.

Carol 9

Bruce Springsteen- santa claus is coming to town

Nine Lessons and Carols for 2013

In 2006 I wrote this. It changed my life, esp No 8. Time has moved on and so have I. I've learnt a few things, made a few mistakes and sung a few songs. I thought I would share some of them, not because I think you need to hear them but because I need to write them. If they ring any bells, please let me know or simply share this with others. The music is from http://www.fingertipsmusic.com/

Enjoy it. Share it.

Lesson 1
Inspiration is not what you are looking for.

Inspiration is the something that, even if just for a moment, allows us to see within ourselves and see our true, inner self and its potential stripped of self doubt, self deprecation and reflected possibilities. Inspiration doesn't give us super powers, more it allows us to see what we might achieve if we tried. Inspiration isn't what you are looking for, what you are looking for is your inner self. Go on, do it. I did. A little talk I gave on the subject.

Carol 1
I'm Just About Done- Matt Longo

Lesson 2
The warning light on the car dashboard isn't just mucking around.

Seriously. The little light came on months ago. And nothing seemed to be a problem. To be honest I couldn't afford another service where I just pay a lot for not very much. So I ignored it and carried on. Then the engine blew up. £5000. It's probably a metaphor. If that means anything to you, then get the engine checked. If you know what I mean. Seriously.

Carol 2
Mrs Marquis de Sade- The Cloud Room

Lesson 3
People like you just the way you are.

Another year wearing a ridiculous moustache for a month, a few pounds heavier and definitely greyer than I was. If I could change these things I probably would but if I have learnt one thing this year it is that people accept you just the way you are. That self criticism bollocks is just that. Sure I could lose a few pounds, look a bit younger whatever. Those who matter, like you just the way you are. Do you ever look at a friend and think, seriously, I'd like him a bit more if he had his ears pinned back? My worst critic won't love me any more if I change, I'll just find something else to get at me about. But what do I know?

Carol 3
Dans le Noire- Juniore

Lesson 4
I am not good at self evaluation.

The whole self deprecation thing is common, if intriguing. Consequently, honest self evaluation is both fraught with double turns of complexity and clearly inaccurate. External views are much better and best received from a friend. We then usually try to complicate that by assuming the report is only a sanitised version to make us happy as we seek criticism in everything we do. For once, just listen to the majority of external voices when you receive praise and believe it. And yes, I said majority. I've even less understanding why we can hear multiple compliments and ignore them but one negative note becomes our focus and theme.

Carol 4
Like A Woman Can- Kim Taylor

Lesson 5
Even personal attacks aren't personal.

When bad stuff goes down and you are the brunt or point of someone else's ire, anger, upset or criticism it as actually ALL about them. Chances are that if you weren't there it would be some other fool getting it. I appreciate that it feels personal but actually it's all about them, their hangups, their desire to rule the world and their feelings of inadequacy. Sadly, you fit the bill that day but it isn't about you.

Carol 5

The Hunted- Blurry Lines

Lesson 6
Everyone needs a bit of coaching.

It took me a while to recognise but the best sportsmen and women, the best actors, the best musicians and the best at most things in life have neither achieved that on their own nor rely on their own self reflection to make further improvements. What keeps them improving, and they do, is coaching. And me? I'm just perfect in every way, thank you...er.

Carol 6
Freshbloom- Sundara Karma

Lesson 7

As you walk, look people in the eye and smile.

A little lesson I learned this year and wrote about here. As you walk along, instead of avoiding people's gaze, seek it out and as you acknowledge each other and walk past, just smile. It's too quick to be accusatory, critical, leery or anything negative, it is just human connection. And if your smile made someone else smile, isn't that a good thing?


Carol 7
Skyballer- Lemonade

Lesson 8
Just dance.

Amusing and slightly drunken discussion at a party recently where I was being teased a little about my age by someone half as young as me. For no particular reason he stopped, stared intently as drunk people do and earnestly enquired, "So what life advice would you give me, old man?" I pondered as only one can after a few too many and replied, "Just dance." I can't have been that drunk because the more I think about it, the more apt is seems for so many situations. Just dance!


Carol 8
Corsica- Son of Stan

Lesson 9
There is no 9th lesson.

What did you learn this year? What thought struck the proverbial chord and resonated for longer than just a second? What insight have you to share? Life is about sharing.


Carol 9
Santa Claus is Coming to Town- Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band

The Blessing

Have a wonderful Christmas, hug those that you love and treasure them as they treasure you.

A Life Lesson

I was on a train to London yesterday and opposite me were a family of five including a teenage girl with Down Syndrome. As is often the case she was physically very affectionate with her family, cuddling and snuggling with her older brothers and mother. Another thing I have often seen with patients of mine is that they engage unreservedly in eye contact. The look right at you, into you and hold your gaze. And then they smile. A smile of innocence and friendship. It means nothing more than that direct connection between two people and yet it always strikes me how it also unnerves many people.

This wee lass then looked across the carriage, caught and held my gaze and smiled. I smiled back and that was that. But I felt better. Not in a pitying or patronising way but simply that I had made a connection with someone. And then it struck me how the rest of the world are the ones missing out on this pleasure, that she was the one with compassion and generousness of spirit. I wandered out of the station and as I was thinking, I saw a lady stood in front of me, I looked at her, she caught my gaze and as I walked on she smiled. I smiled back. And it felt nice.

So, with a 15 minute walk ahead of me through busy London streets I set myself, that as I walked I would look everyone in the eyes as I passed by. The first thing I noticed was that no-one does. We all simply avoid the gaze. Some look past you, some look at something in the distance, some stare at the ground but everyone scans ahead. So I made a positive effort to actually pick the gaze of people coming towards me. Not interrogating or accusatory but simply looking. And as I walked I began to make contact with people. Often they simply looked away but one, then another looked back and every single one smiled. A quick smile meaning I know not what, but they smiled and I smiled back. And as I walked I looked and smiled and people smiled back, ten people. And I learned lots. I learned that we don't look at people. That people are actually very interesting and that people do connect even just in that fleeting moment as you pass by. I'll never see any of them ever again. I neither threatened nor criticised by my gaze but 10 people made me feel better than I felt before my walk and they all took something away from our encounter.

What's to lose? Just keep walking and look people in the eye and if they look back then smile. Imagine how good the world would be?

I've got something for you.

I've got something for you. I thought about it, I chose it specially and I think it's just perfect, just for you, it shows you how I feel and what I really think. It's not for any reason other than I just wanted you to have it.

Doesn't that make you feel excited, maybe little anxious in a gentle way but thrilled and valued and yes, a little bit special?

It's a compliment.

I've been talking recently with friends about compliments and how we perceive and receive them. If the "something" had been just that perfect gift, maybe something you had delighted in or spoken about how would that make you feel? Maybe the giver had noticed you needed something and wanted just to share their own good fortune or serendipity at discovering something that would make you happy. And yet if it was the gift of a compliment, freely given, specially crafted and delivered, just for you, our usual response is to kick it in the crotch, insult the giver, accuse them of lies and probably deceit and then, later, move on to actually use that compliment to criticise and depress ourselves.

It's a compliment, after all!

How did we get to this situation? I really don't know. It's not because of bad experiences because we all have had more good than bad gifts. And yes there are those with ulterior motives who have smarmed us but we all see those a mile off and simply disregard both the person and the "compliment". It may be that we have had bad experiences with compliments simply because of our response to receiving them. "Thank you, but it isn't true." "It is, that's why I said it." "No, you're after something." "You're saying I'm a liar or trying to manipulate you?" No, but, it just isn't the case, there are much bettter, more..." "I didn't say that I just said....oh never mind. It doesn't matter, I won't bother."

Conversely, the slightest word of criticism, even from someone we hardly know or whose opinion we count as naught is accepted as gospel, seen as perceptive and honest and then taken to mutilate and misshape our very existence. Whatever have we done?

So, I'm not going to change all that has gone in the past, nor seek to understand why one unfailingly choses negativity over positivity; I'm simply going to tell you how deal with compliments in a stepwise manner, moving towards that unachievable nirvana where someone is allowed to say something nice to you.

Step 1- "Thank you"
Simply reply, "Thank you." Nothing more, nothing less, no qualification or justification, not interrogation or denial, just say "Thank you. Now move on. What you think in your crazy, screwed up little nightmare of denial and self criticism is your own problem, just thank the person and that's it. Dwell all you like, self harm your self esteem and laugh at the insult of generosity later, not in their face

Step 2- Let it exist. Accept that the giver says that this is true. They may be completely wrong and if they only knew, there are so many others yada, yada yada. Once again, inside voice, inside your crazy, The giver said it is true. That's it. People think they have seen UFOs.

Step 3- Believe that they think it is true. Clearly they are deluded, definitely after something and really haven't met your sister, enough people blah blah blah BUT you have to accept that in their delusion they actually believe what they said. We all know it is madness but hey, let them believe it.

Step 4- Wonder if part of it might be true.
You know this person, you trust them and value their opinion on other things, they have life experience and you can't for the life of you explain why they are doing this and they clearly believe it so maybe, in their eyes, it might actually be a little bit true. After all they do know you... Whatever. Maybe??

Step 5- Accept, with proviso and justification, that was a nice thing to hear.
It makes you feel good and, well, maybe they are overstating it, but, it's what you've been struggling towards and it is nice to be recognised and it is just between the two of us, no-one needs know about it. Ok, thank you.

Step 6- Live as though it were true
What's the harm? So you're not perfect but yes, you do scrub up well and you have made a huge effort and feel good about yourself and it's lovely that you noticed because that shows me how special you are to me.

Step 7- Live.

Yes, I know you're not going to get more than  7 compliments in your lifetime but, if you do, you may finally give someone the joy of you opening their present and them getting to see the joy in your eyes. What's to lose?

Bad Lover- She and The Sun

Walking in the rain

I've been feeling down for various reasons recently and as I walked home yesterday it started to rain, heavily. "Well, that just suits my mood," said my inner voice as I had no waterproof or umbrella, "just great."

As I continued along getting completely soaked I mused on my ability to encourage and support others yet my inability to apply that personally in times of self pity. I suppose calling it that highlights my self critical nature but I tried, as I have encouraged others, to reframe the issues and the situation.

Walking in the rain is like self pity. I didn't actually have to do it; I could have taken shelter. Some people have to walk in the rain but preparing sensibly helps, a lot. The journey is limited and at the end I can change, dry off and get warm. It is just getting wet. You may feel very lonely walking in the rain but actually there are loads of other folk doing just the same; it doesn't just rain on you. The rain ALWAYS stops, eventually. Sharing a smile with someone else caught in the rain helps you both. Is it really that bad?

I can see the sun peeping behind the clouds.

After the Rain- John Coltrane

Life isn't black and white.

Life isn't black and white; life is in shades of grey. Those shades paint an amazing complex and beautiful world.

We shouldn't view issues or opinions in our lives as either black or white, particularly when it comes to compliments or criticism. You may not be the most beautiful woman in the world, ever, but to the person who just said that you are beautiful. One mistake, even many, does not make you worthless or a burden. Life is full of shades of grey.

Next time you criticise yourself remember the world isn't black. or white.

“Sidestepping” – Doris Henson