I've got something for you.

I've got something for you. I thought about it, I chose it specially and I think it's just perfect, just for you, it shows you how I feel and what I really think. It's not for any reason other than I just wanted you to have it.

Doesn't that make you feel excited, maybe little anxious in a gentle way but thrilled and valued and yes, a little bit special?

It's a compliment.

I've been talking recently with friends about compliments and how we perceive and receive them. If the "something" had been just that perfect gift, maybe something you had delighted in or spoken about how would that make you feel? Maybe the giver had noticed you needed something and wanted just to share their own good fortune or serendipity at discovering something that would make you happy. And yet if it was the gift of a compliment, freely given, specially crafted and delivered, just for you, our usual response is to kick it in the crotch, insult the giver, accuse them of lies and probably deceit and then, later, move on to actually use that compliment to criticise and depress ourselves.

It's a compliment, after all!

How did we get to this situation? I really don't know. It's not because of bad experiences because we all have had more good than bad gifts. And yes there are those with ulterior motives who have smarmed us but we all see those a mile off and simply disregard both the person and the "compliment". It may be that we have had bad experiences with compliments simply because of our response to receiving them. "Thank you, but it isn't true." "It is, that's why I said it." "No, you're after something." "You're saying I'm a liar or trying to manipulate you?" No, but, it just isn't the case, there are much bettter, more..." "I didn't say that I just said....oh never mind. It doesn't matter, I won't bother."

Conversely, the slightest word of criticism, even from someone we hardly know or whose opinion we count as naught is accepted as gospel, seen as perceptive and honest and then taken to mutilate and misshape our very existence. Whatever have we done?

So, I'm not going to change all that has gone in the past, nor seek to understand why one unfailingly choses negativity over positivity; I'm simply going to tell you how deal with compliments in a stepwise manner, moving towards that unachievable nirvana where someone is allowed to say something nice to you.

Step 1- "Thank you"
Simply reply, "Thank you." Nothing more, nothing less, no qualification or justification, not interrogation or denial, just say "Thank you. Now move on. What you think in your crazy, screwed up little nightmare of denial and self criticism is your own problem, just thank the person and that's it. Dwell all you like, self harm your self esteem and laugh at the insult of generosity later, not in their face

Step 2- Let it exist. Accept that the giver says that this is true. They may be completely wrong and if they only knew, there are so many others yada, yada yada. Once again, inside voice, inside your crazy, The giver said it is true. That's it. People think they have seen UFOs.

Step 3- Believe that they think it is true. Clearly they are deluded, definitely after something and really haven't met your sister, enough people blah blah blah BUT you have to accept that in their delusion they actually believe what they said. We all know it is madness but hey, let them believe it.

Step 4- Wonder if part of it might be true.
You know this person, you trust them and value their opinion on other things, they have life experience and you can't for the life of you explain why they are doing this and they clearly believe it so maybe, in their eyes, it might actually be a little bit true. After all they do know you... Whatever. Maybe??

Step 5- Accept, with proviso and justification, that was a nice thing to hear.
It makes you feel good and, well, maybe they are overstating it, but, it's what you've been struggling towards and it is nice to be recognised and it is just between the two of us, no-one needs know about it. Ok, thank you.

Step 6- Live as though it were true
What's the harm? So you're not perfect but yes, you do scrub up well and you have made a huge effort and feel good about yourself and it's lovely that you noticed because that shows me how special you are to me.

Step 7- Live.

Yes, I know you're not going to get more than  7 compliments in your lifetime but, if you do, you may finally give someone the joy of you opening their present and them getting to see the joy in your eyes. What's to lose?

Bad Lover- She and The Sun